The Deer's Tales

Inside Grandpa’s house, there is a deer on the wall.

Not a whole deer, just part of a deer. The head part.

I checked, and the rest of him isn’t outside.

The deer has always made me a little nervous, but I didn’t take much notice until the day he winked at me.

I couldn’t get that out of my head for awhile.

So first chance I got alone with the deer, I asked him, “Hey, remember that one time? Did you...did you wink at me?”

The deer nodded. I nodded back.

“Thought so. Can you talk?” The deer nodded again. “Well then, why don’t you?”

The deer cleared his throat. “Sorry, it’s been awhile.”

“Wow,” I said. I took a sip from my juice box. “A talking deer. So… what do you know?”

“Everything,” the deer replied. “That is, everything about Grandpa’s house.”

“Can you tell me?”

“What do you want to know?”

I thought hard. “Why does he think those butterscotch candies are so good?”

“Back when he was a knight, he rescued a princess from the top of a volcano. The King and Queen were so grateful, they gave him a lifetime supply of butterscotch candies. Whenever he eats them, he remembers his bravery.”

“So that’s why he always seems to have them around.”

“You know that room in the basement that you’re not allowed to go into? It’s full of them. If you opened the door, they would come spilling out all over the place.”

“Amazing. What else...Oh I know! Why does he tell me the same stories over and over?”

“Before you were born, aliens stopped by the house one night. They were friendly, but your grandpa got ahold of one of their memory erasing lazers and it bounced off a mirror and skimmed the top of his head. Now he can’t remember a lot of things.”

“Is that why he has no hair on top of his head?”

“That’s why.”

“I’ve got one more question,” I said. “Why is he always falling asleep in the middle of the day?”

“Because he can’t sleep at night, of course.”

“But why not?”

“Because of the Black Rhinoceros he keeps in the shed out back. They’re nocturnal, you know, so he can relax during the day while it sleeps, but at night he has to keep it fed, read it stories, play cards with it…”

“I’ve never seen a rhinoceros out there!”

“That’s because your mom makes you go to bed at 8 o'clock. The Rhinoceros is barely waking up by then.”

“Oh." I said. "I guess I better go talk to Grandpa. Thanks for the chat."

“Anytime,” said the deer. “Come back again sometime. You wouldn’t believe the stories I have about your Grandma.”